I have been reflecting a lot lately. Some of it is good, and some
of it is not. I know that for many of Alicia’s friends and family, the date of
June 15 will be the most significant “year ago” reflection.
For me, the most significant ones are now. This weekend marks a year ago
that Chris and I were on a conference call with the team at MD Anderson and the
Jefferson City doctors when they told us that the best course was to discontinue
treatment and focus on comfort. It was a year ago that we sat in my parents
living room and watched Alicia nod her head as she agreed that she didn’t want
to fight, she just wanted to feel better for a while. It was a year ago that I
stood behind the bleachers ignoring my daughter’s softball game so that I could
call some of Alicia’s friends and tell them the news too.
It was a year ago that Alicia and I had our last fight. And it was a good
one. We yelled, we cried, we scowled, then in the natural progression of sister
fights we stewed before saying we were sorry and me forcing her to hug me. It
was a year ago that I learned what hospice was, and how generous and loving
people truly can be. A year ago I could squeeze my sister’s hand and pat her
back and indulge her umpteenth request for a foot rub. A year ago I could see
her smile when I recounted a funny story.
A year ago I didn’t know that love could transcend life. A year
ago I didn’t know that I would still be able to feel her and hear her and that
she would still be so present in my life. A year ago I didn’t know how much I
would miss the fights, or the forced post-fight hugs. A year ago I didn’t know
that losing her would make me a better mom, a better wife, and a better person,
but in many ways it has.
I don’t know where we will be in another year. I will never
understand how from one perspective a year can be so long, and from another
view a year can be so fleeting. I can only hope that after another twelve
months passes, my “year ago” is filled with more joy and happiness and that I
am remembering to share the good and be the good in the lives of those around
me.
~Sarah
P.S. I don't know what I am going to do with this blog. I may try to archive it and move it over to my personal blog. I don't want to lose this, but it feels weird to still have it here.
of it is not. I know that for many of Alicia’s friends and family, the date of
June 15 will be the most significant “year ago” reflection.
For me, the most significant ones are now. This weekend marks a year ago
that Chris and I were on a conference call with the team at MD Anderson and the
Jefferson City doctors when they told us that the best course was to discontinue
treatment and focus on comfort. It was a year ago that we sat in my parents
living room and watched Alicia nod her head as she agreed that she didn’t want
to fight, she just wanted to feel better for a while. It was a year ago that I
stood behind the bleachers ignoring my daughter’s softball game so that I could
call some of Alicia’s friends and tell them the news too.
It was a year ago that Alicia and I had our last fight. And it was a good
one. We yelled, we cried, we scowled, then in the natural progression of sister
fights we stewed before saying we were sorry and me forcing her to hug me. It
was a year ago that I learned what hospice was, and how generous and loving
people truly can be. A year ago I could squeeze my sister’s hand and pat her
back and indulge her umpteenth request for a foot rub. A year ago I could see
her smile when I recounted a funny story.
A year ago I didn’t know that love could transcend life. A year
ago I didn’t know that I would still be able to feel her and hear her and that
she would still be so present in my life. A year ago I didn’t know how much I
would miss the fights, or the forced post-fight hugs. A year ago I didn’t know
that losing her would make me a better mom, a better wife, and a better person,
but in many ways it has.
I don’t know where we will be in another year. I will never
understand how from one perspective a year can be so long, and from another
view a year can be so fleeting. I can only hope that after another twelve
months passes, my “year ago” is filled with more joy and happiness and that I
am remembering to share the good and be the good in the lives of those around
me.
~Sarah
P.S. I don't know what I am going to do with this blog. I may try to archive it and move it over to my personal blog. I don't want to lose this, but it feels weird to still have it here.